As I am starting to feel more like "myself" again, I am learning that this season I'm walking is teaching and showing me that we are forever changing. Growing. Developing. Whether that's positively, or negatively.
Our experiences change us.
So many people have said that they’re worried that
I haven’t been “myself” over the past few months. I would go so far as to agree
with them, as I was worried I wasn’t “myself” either. I knew I was broken. I
knew I was acting, thinking and feeling differently. I even looked in the
mirror and would weep because I knew it wasn’t “myself” looking back at me. And
that was all the more scary for me because I didn’t know who it was who was
looking back at me.
This girl, the woman, who had lost her baby. Whose
body had failed her again and could not keep her baby safe. This girl whose
heart was completely shattered and whose mind had just stopped functioning and
spiralled out of control. This girl who had become fearful and anxious of
literally anything and everything. This girl who knew she would NEVER been the
same again.
The thing is, I’m going to be honest with you, I
look in the mirror and I still see that girl. The girl I don’t recognise.
But as I reflect and take the time to heal and
accept this girl, I see and feel strength emerging. Yes I will never be the
same person I was back in early July.. but actually I’m coming to realise that
I’m okay with that.
Because I’m a mother now. And I have a partner who
is the father of my child. And we created something, someone who is literally
the definition of perfect. Yes our baby isn’t with us, yes she’s in Heaven, but
our baby is PERFECT. Literally flawless. Never done anything wrong, never
thought anything unpure or tainted or bad. She’s literally perfect. And ALWAYS
will be. She will never do anything wrong. She will remain PERFECT.
You always hear of mothers being proud of their
children. And I long for the day of where I am proud of my living children.
But I’m overwhelmed and find absolute peace,
comfort and immense pride, because I can say my baby Summer is literally
perfect. And I am the proudest mother in the entire world. ☀️💖
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