Hello January 2022 ...

 

Well hello there 2022!

So another year has passed us by, just like that, in the blink of an eye, and here we are on 1st January 2022.

I don't know about you, but after last year, I initially found myself staring at the year ahead with fear, panic, worry and a huge sense of overwhelming-ness. I initially battled with thoughts and feelings of confusion, frustration and sadness that this year had come and would go just as quickly as the last, and I would have to face it and live it without my baby girl. Life is continuing; coming and going, as if she never existed. When all I want is to scream at everything to stop and for me to be with my baby girl forever. In that delivery room, holding - clinging onto her tiny, lifeless body, and nothing else ever happening to me again.

Those were the initial thoughts and feelings that I had.

But then I stopped myself. My Spirit cried out to God and I felt Him near instantly. He cradled me in His arms and dried my tears. Told me that He isn't finished with me yet and that He has a good future and plan for me. And because Summer is with Him, she will always be with me too. Doesn't matter that it isn't physically right now.

I opened my Bible App and the Verse of the Day was Isaiah 43 v 18-19:

How apt. How appropriate. How comforting. How promising.

Peace washed over me and I began to feel joy, comfort and hope.

My initial thoughts began to melt away and were replaced with more joy, more comfort and more hope. Leading to excitement, anticipation and awe.

God knew. He knows. I love that.

I know that I will still have the initial feelings I had earlier from time to time. But I am no longer afraid of them or overwhelmed by them because I know that overtime, as God continues to work in me and heal me, they will get less and less.

Although no one can ever know or comprehend why my baby had to die before she was even born, I know that God is still sovereign and that through all of this; He is showing me that He is God.

This year, 2022, is a year of healing, restoration, deliverance, love and hope for me, my family and my household. It is a year full of God's promises and fulfilment and I am expectant and hopeful for what's to come; the "good" and the "bad".

Happy New Year friends. I pray your year is full of peace, love, blessings and a touch of Summer. ☀️💖

Blogmas Day 25 ~ Happy Christmas Summer

 My dearest Summer, 

Today is Christmas Day. 

This year would have been our first Christmas with you. We so would have spoilt you crazy. Even though you are not physically with us, we will always be thinking of you and keeping you close. This will still be our first Christmas as your Mummy and Daddy. That thought makes me happy. 

Do you want to know what you would have got for Christmas? So many things. Colourful toys and books. Cute little outfits. You definitely would have had a Christmas outfit. Lots of cuddly toys. But you would have had oh so much more love. So many cuddles from us, from your big brother, from your Oma and Opa, from your Great Grandma, from your Nana and Grandad, from your Aunty and Uncle Alsop, and your cousin, from your Aunty Annie from all your other Aunties and Uncles. Baby girl, this Christmas with you would have been just wonderful. You would have brought so much joy. 

Instead, you are safe in the arms of Love Himself. That is a great comfort. And that does still bring joy. It really does. 

I am glad you are safe. I am glad you are Perfect and with Jesus. Nothing will ever harm you, precious one. You will never know the pain and hurt and disaster we know in this world. No, you will forever know love, peace, joy and perfection. 

I promise, I will do all I can to keep you alive and to show everyone you. You are my whole world, my life. 

Thank you for enriching my life and making my world a better one. 

Merry Christmas, precious Summer. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 24 ~ A Daily Touch of Summer

 I can't believe today is Day 24 of Blogmas! This is the first time I have ever completed the Blogmas challenge and today will be a very short post. I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you who have  been reading this blog over the past 24 days, and allowing me to share my story. I have always wanted to complete the Blogmas challenge and have started it in the past, but never finished it. So after losing Summer, and having so much to write about, this year has been perfect. I will continue to write after this of course, just maybe not every single day. 

In light of this being the penultimate day of Blogmas, I wanted to round it off with something I have been thinking about doing moving forward with this blog and with my Social Media, and just with life generally. 

I have decided that in whatever I do, whatever I write about, whatever I experience, I will always look for something in my day that I can call a Touch of Summer. 

Something that is her. A thought, a thing that happens, anything. Anything that brings joy, love, hope, peace, etc. And I will acknowledge and write about it. 

I will also strive to bring a Touch of Summer to other people's lives. 

Summer has been my biggest blessing, and I want to share her with the world. 

So, from today onwards, I will commit to finding and being A Touch Of Summer. 🌞💖

With Love, Summer

Blogmas Day 23 ~ Talk About Her

 Today I wanted to open up and share why I like to talk about my daughter. 

As a bereaved mum, whose baby has died and is therefore, not here, it is so easy to feel like my baby girl will be and is being forgotten. 

When it comes to death, people just do not know how to be. It is uncomfortable, I know. And people are often scared that by talking about or mentioning the baby will cause pain and upset. 

Well, I want to tell you that actually, when you talk about and mention the name of my baby, you are acknowledging her existence and you are helping me to keep her memory alive. The pain of not talking about and including my baby brings more pain and sadness than talking about her. 

Losing a baby is so different compared to losing an older relative or loved one. It is the natural order of things, to say goodbye to adults in our lives. Those people will have lived and will have built memories. When a baby dies, and when a baby is miscarried or still birth, the baby has not had that time to spend making the memories they will have done if they had lived and grown up. That is why it feels that they will be forgotten quicker. Losing a baby is not the natural order. So it is harder to deal with. 

I have said this so many times before, just because my baby is dead, does not mean that she is not my baby. Just because she is not here with us, doesn't mean I don't have a daughter or that I am not a Mother. I carried Summer, I gave birth to her, literally - just like any other mum gives birth to their child. I love her just like all the other mum's love their children. 

My baby existed. Summer is my daughter. 

Please, don't be scared to mention her or talk about her. Doing so brings me more joy and happiness and comfort than you could ever imagine. 

Help me to keep the memory of my baby alive. Help me to honour her and remember her. 

Summer Dermawan-Alsop 🌞💖

Summer, my sleeping beauty

Blogmas Day 22 ~ A Poem for Summer ~ Safe In The Arms Of Love

 

Blogmas Day 21 ~ Facts About Summer

 

I love this quote by Zoe Clark Coates. It is about her daughter Darcey, whom she also lost. When I read these words I got thinking about my babies. These words really resonated with me and I got thinking as what my babies would be like, if they had lived. 

Both my girls will have been stunners. Both dark haired and olive skinned. They would be full of joy and laughter and love. Both of them living up to their Indonesian name meaning of "Generous". They would be generous with their love, their laughter, their joy, their kindness, their hope. 

Summer would have been athletic and musical. She would have loved ice skating, playing sports and she would have learned to play every instrument under the sun. She would love to go swimming and spend time watching the football and golf with her Daddy. Of course she would be a Manchester United supporter - just like him. 

She would have loved animals, like me, especially cats. And she would be very close with all three cats - but Audrey in particular. Her and Audrey would have been inseparable. 

Summer would have loved to read, and she would be bilingual, as I will have learned myself and brought her up speaking Indonesian as well as English. 

Summer's favourite colour will have been orange, and her favourite food will have been Indonesian Noodles. 

Of course, her favourite season will have been Summer. She will have loved the sun and the heat and she the Beach will have been one of her favourite places. 

She will have had her Daddy's humour, and my temperament. 

Summer will have been loved by everyone who came across her, and she would have enriched their lives greatly. She will have been radiant. 

I find it easier thinking about what Summer would have been like, because I feel like I knew her more as I carried her longer than I carried Winter. But I do just want to say, that although this blog is dedicated to Summer, both her and Winter are loved deeply and were both wanted. Whatever I write, think and feel about Summer, I also automatically apply to Winter. 

I love thinking about what my babies will have been like if they have lived and it brings me joy to know that they are all of that and more, in Heaven. 

My babies are loved and treasured. 🌞💖

Blogmas Day 20 ~ What I Long to Tell My Daughter

Different kind of post today...

There are so many things that I long to do with Summer, that I long to tell her. Although I will not be able to do the things I long to do with her on this side of Heaven, I know I can still tell her things, and I do on a regular basis. Whether I go to see her at the Cemetery or whether I just talk to her, as if she was here. Writing this blog is a way that has helped me to feel like I can tell her things as well as it being for myself, and for others. 

I thought I would share a few of the things I long to tell my Summer...

Darling, sweet Summer, 

I am sorry that my body could not carry you and keep you safe. 

You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and your Daddy.

You have changed my life in ways you could not imagine, and for that I am grateful. 

You have brought me closer to my own mum, you have taught me the love of a Mother. 

You have brought me and your Daddy closer than ever. 

You have given me a new outpouring of love. 

I miss you. 

I can't wait for the day we are united. 

You have brought me back and closer to God. 

You blow my mind.

You are my most treasured, valued possession. 

You are the best thing I have ever made. 

You are the biggest blessing. 

You are loved. 

Your purpose is greater than any of us could ever imagine and I am excited for what God has instore for us because of you, my Precious one. 🌞💖

Summer and Mummy