After an extremely long wait, we finally found out the results from our Post Mortem last week. Very much like the wait we had for Summer's funeral, this wait was long and difficult.
They told us right from the start, when they offered us a Post Mortem, that it was highly unlikely that they would find anything. They told us that 9 times out of 10, they do not find anything, but if there was that 1 chance would we want it?
Knowing that we were extremely lucky to have even been offered a PM, as Summer was my second miscarriage, and currently you have to have 3 consecutive losses before investigations are offered, we seized the PM whole heartedly.
Knowing the statistics and the chances of them not finding anything, for the one small chance, it would be worth it, especially for us at the early stage (or amount) of losses. They offered us the PM due to the unusual circumstances surrounding Summer's spontaneous birth and also due to my Didelphic Uterus.
So we authorised a full PM where we gave permission for them to take from every organ that they could and run tests. We also signed over the slides to be kept for further and future research. Both from Summer, and from myself and my placenta. I just felt that should they be able to use us for research and maybe help prevent further losses for people from the research they do with us, then it was worth it.
They told us that PM results usually take 12 weeks to come back, however, with Covid they were waking 13-15 weeks. So we knew we were in for a long wait.
In the end, it was 15 weeks and 2 days by the time our results made it back to the hospital and then it was a further 3 weeks before we were seen last week by a consultant.
So, after such a long wait, last week Rich and I made our way to the hospital where Summer was born to meet with the Consultant.
I was absolutely terrified. We had both said that we kind of hoped that something would be discovered, because that way we would know why our baby died and then we could work with the doctors in future with out future pregnancies. If there was something found, then perhaps things could be done.
I was also of the mindset that I was terrified of them finding something. I did not want anything to have been wrong with my baby girl, and I did not want anything to be wrong with me. I have known the risk of miscarriage and prem labour was always high for me because of my Didelphic Uterus, but I was terrified that if it was my Uterus, that would mean that it was another way in which my body has failed me again. My RA, and now this.
I know, that it is nothing I have done, but having an autoimmune disease does take it's toll mentally, and so having an abnormality with your uterus does the same. It doesn't stop the thoughts that it is my fault, because of my body. I know I have a long journey with this, and it will take me a long time to retrain my brain.
Anyway, the consultant was lovely. She was kind, calming and very empathetic. She talked through our results with us.
Our baby Summer was perfect. The PM found that there was absolutely no problem with her at all. And that she was perfect in every way. Everything had grown and developed as it should have. She was the perfect size. There was no reason why she died.
I was relieved, but also filled with terror. It must be me (even though, I know, I know ... it isn't my fault). And she was very quick to iterate this as well.
She said that the PM showed nothing. And that there was no reason they could see why Summer died. Bitter sweet.
She went on to say that there was not enough evidence to say it was my Didelphic Uterus but that it could have been. They just couldn't say or know for sure. But that it was not my fault.
I cried. So much. Relief that Summer was well and that she was perfect, but sad and angry that my body is the way it is and that although there isn't enough evidence to say it is my body, it could still be.
I know that I have a long journey with Self Esteem and how I feel about my body now, and this journey is underway.
Moving forward, when we are ready to try again, we will be working closely with consultants and midwives with future pregnancies. I will be heavily monitored, checked and scanned, and there are a few options they have said they can offer me. Like a stitch in my cervix and potentially progesterone too.
I am grateful that we had a PM done and that Summer remains perfect, faultless and that this document proves it. I will hold onto it forever. 🌞💖
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| Summer's Post Mortem Report Proof that she is Perfect. |
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