I mentioned yesterday about the Anxiety, Depression and PTSD that has followed the loss of my daughter Summer.
Today I am continuing, in a way, and going to open up about how I deal with and manage some of the triggers I mentioned in yesterday's post.
One of the biggest things that triggers both the Anxiety and the Depression is other pregnant women. Especially those who are close to Summer's Due Date. Now, I won't go into too much depth regarding this, but when you lose a baby, your heart breaks and your brain cannot handle others who look like you should be looking. The problem is, there is literally nothing you can do. People are always going to get pregnant. The feelings this brings hurts. It's raw and it's painful. And you feel so guilty for not feeling happy for those people. You feel you are a bad person. You feel disgusted at yourself. And you spiral. That's exactly what I did. So often I gave in to the anger, the jealousy and the resentment. And then I would hate myself for it.
Has this changed? Yes and No. You see, the thing is, on the surface I was experiencing bitterness and anger, but actually I would never wish what I was going through on anyone. And actually I was so happy that others are pregnant, I was just devastated that I was not. Once I started counselling and my feelings validated and explored with a professional, I have been able to accept that actually it is good and okay to feel happy for others whilst feeling miserable and devastated for myself, and that the two can come hand in hand. And I realised I was more terrified of the same thing happening to others, than feeling anger. Once I allowed myself and was kind to myself for feeling what I felt, I was able to choose to be happy for others. It was liberating. Sure, seeing pregnant people hurts, but it is hopeful. I choose to think that if it can happen for them then it can happen for me one day.
The next trigger, that is actually the biggest one for me still and now, is my work place. The building. The grounds. As I mentioned in my last post, it is where both of my miscarriages started. I remember the exact place, both places, the times, who was around, what was around. I still really struggle to be physically in that building.
At first, I couldn't even make it out the car. I would cry, my body would tense up, I would get hot and sweaty, I wouldn't be able to breathe. I would have full on panic attacks and would not be able to control myself. After several times of deliberate and increasing exposure, I was able to agree to a phase return and get myself back to work.
Last week was my first full week back full time. I am able to control my panic attacks more. I haven't had any bad ones for a few weeks, though I do have a constant stomach ache when I am in the building. As soon as I leave, it goes. My counsellor thinks it is Body Memories - my body remembering the contractions it had in that place and it manifesting in stomach ache whilst I'm there. Although my brain is more controllable than it was, my body is still feeling unsafe.
What has helped has been having a really amazing team to go back to. They are all aware, they are all very kind and understanding and they look after me. If I feel myself losing it or going into a panic, which does happen, I know I have safe places within work, and people that I can go to. And I do.
So, the things that have helped with me managing these triggers is actually being exposed to them. And having the right people around being ready to catch me when I fall. Being patient with me, and although they may not understand, they love on me hard and support me anyway. For them, I am grateful 🌞💖
No comments
Post a Comment