Just because 6 weeks is such an early gestation, and different people will feel and believe differently as to whether or not this is a baby at this early stage - for me personally, the second of conception is a baby. I know it isn't the case for others, and I am not entertaining this debate here, but for me, this is how it is.
We planned for this baby and we wanted this baby. The minute we found out we were pregnant, we were thrilled. So no matter the development of this baby - she was and is my baby.
This baby was my first experience of being pregnant, and was my first experience of baby loss. We only knew about her for a week before the bleeding began, and she passed. I refer to her as she now because, although we did not know the gender (as at 6 weeks you don't) I just feel like, and when I think of her, she is a she.
I don't have as much to share about Winter than I do about Summer, other than to continue to talk about her and to acknowledge her and to also keep her alive.
I am rather ashamed to say that after losing her, I let myself cry all weekend and then I refused to think about it and forced myself to continue. I guess you could say I went into denial. Then getting pregnant with Summer helped me to continue and not to think or dwell on my lost baby. For that, I feel terrible.
It wasn't until losing Summer at such a late gestation that I became more aware and knowledgeable of Baby Loss and all that comes with it. One of the things that my eyes were open to was the memory that I had actually lost another child before Summer. And then it all hit me. I wasn't just grieving Summer. I have spent the past few months grieving my other baby too, as well as Summer.
From reading books by Zoe Clark-Coates, I came to the realisation that although my first baby was only 6 weeks gestation, she was still my baby. I stopped letting myself use language like "only 6 weeks gestation" because, like Zoe, I really believe that my baby is still my baby. She still existed and she still matters. She was still wanted and she is still loved. Very much.
Reading Zoe's books have helped me to heal (and continue to help me to heal) and validate my feelings of pain, confusion, frustration, They have have helped me to stop caring what others may think about me and how I act, or what I say during my grief and about my babies and have helped me to acknowledge and honour my babies in a way that my heart desires.
In the end, I decided to name our first child and because we didn't know the gender, I picked a gender neutral name that I felt fitted with Summer. So I called her Winter.
Although that is literally all I have to share about Winter, she will forever be my first born, my precious and loved baby and Summer's sister. I love to dwell on the image of them both together in Heaven in the arms of Jesus. Safe, whole, perfect and loved. And I know that one day I will be with them again.
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| Snowflake Tattoo in memory of Winter (sadly the only thing I have in memory of her) |
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| Candles lit for both my babies during Baby Loss Awareness Week 2021 |
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