1) Losing a baby hurls you into a whole new world that you never would have thought existed - but you are not alone.
"The day after my baby died, what shocked me the most was that the sun rose, and the post still slipped through my mail box, and I still got thirsty and the birds still sang, and the traffic lights still changed colour... but my world had stopped, my planet had stopped spinning" ~ Zoe Clark Coates.
This quote just sums up how I felt (and still feel) after Summer died. Life continues, as if my baby doesn't exist. And I am expected to get up and get on.
It's a strange feeling and life to be living, in this state. And to be honest, even now, I still feel like this. I still struggle massively. I'm getting better at hiding it. I'm getting better at just getting on. I'm getting better at looking happy and okay.
And yes, I am those things, but those things are partnered with immense pain, despair, trauma and upset. Constantly. They co-exist. And that is just my new life now.
These feelings, I know, will soften and get less, but they will always co exist.
I know that this new world and way of life for me is made bearable by God. I know that in my weakness, He is strong. And so, I have peace.
I know I am not alone. Despite baby loss being such a taboo subject, and not spoken about as much; I know that there are others who have lost children and with those people, I have a special and unique bond. In our brokenness, together, we become strong.
2) Grief is unpredictable and those around you may feel it's ugly, but grief comes from love, and love is beautiful.
"Grief is like a wild flower, it can erupt from the ground anywhere it chooses, when it blossoms, we must be careful not to step on it. Instead, we honour it's existence and appreciate that love made it bloom" ~Zoe Clark Coates.
I love this quote. So much. These past few months, I have experienced grief like I never have before. In ways that have shocked me, and made those around me uncomfortable. Grief changes us and grief can be ugly, and uncomfortable. But the grief I am feeling is because of the immense and indescribable love that I have for my daughter.
It's uncomfortable when grief hits me out of no where. But supressing it does not bring the healing. Accepting that my grief is birthed for the love I have for Summer, and allowing myself to feel it in that moment. brings healing. I will never stop loving my daughter, and my grief will always be an outburst of that love.
3) My love for my baby is the greatest love.
I never understood the love my mum has for me, until now. Having Summer has changed me. I am still learning and walking through this change, but all I know and can 100% say is that I feel love in a way I have never felt it before. The love a Mother has for her child is life changing. It is raw. It is fierce. It is strong. It is deep. It is immense. It is awesome. It is powerful. The love that Summer has awakened in me is the greatest love.
4) I can handle my triggers better than I think I can.
I'll do a separate post on triggers and anxiety later during this Blogmas period, but one of the things that I have learned, and am still learning now are that "triggers" are like grief. They have been and are springing out of seemingly nowhere, and I am learning what they are on a day to day basis and how to deal with them. But one thing several people have said to me these past few weeks, especially being back at work, is that I am dealing with my triggers better than I think or feel I am.
I wanted to include this one because, when you lose a baby, your whole world is shaken up, turned upside down and poured everywhere. Again, I'll go into more detail about this in a separate post, but for me personally, I lost all confidence in myself and lost all confidence and hope and trust in everything else. So the way I feel I am doing, or how I feel about myself, probably isn't accurate. And having those around me who tell me I am doing well, I find helpful and I know will slowly help me to rewire my brain and become confident again.
5) No matter how often people say they understand, unless they have been through it themselves, they don't - and it is unfair to expect them to.
People are amazing. They really are. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have been surrounded by. Everyone has been so kind and caring towards me, so loving and patient. When I have been a wreck, and done things out of character, my nearest and dearest have stuck by me and loved me throughout.
Of course, there have also been people who have bolted. And understandably so. When you lose a baby and when grief becomes part of your life, as I mentioned before, it can get ugly. And people feel uncomfortable.
What I have learned through this is that, no matter how nice people are being, saying they understand and it's okay to feel the way you do, the truth is - unless they have been through this themselves, they do not understand.
And it is a good thing that they do not understand. They are lucky that they do not understand. And it is okay that they do not understand.
Just the fact that they are there, loving hard on you, walking with you and sticking by you is one of the greatest gifts. They will be feeling uncomfortable. They won't know how to help. But that's okay. They are still there. And that is beautiful.
I'm so grateful for those in my life who do not understand and who have yet stuck by me and walked this journey with me.
6) Counselling and talking about my baby helps.
I have been lucky enough to have 4 counselling sessions with a group called The Ladder Group (through my work) in the interim before my counselling with Talk Thru (a Specialist Baby Loss Charity in Huddersfield) starts next week.
Although it has only been 4 sessions, these sessions have helped me immensely. Just being able to say whatever I needed to say, no matter how unpleasant, has helped me to start my healing process.
Talking about Summer and mentioning her name helps me to keep her memory alive and helps me to feel like she will not be forgotten.
Losing a baby is different to losing an older or living relative. My baby has not had the time anyone living has had to make memories or live life. Because of this, it does feel that she will be forgotten quicker and easier.
I can't let that happen. Summer existed. She was loved. She was real. She is my daughter. I will always talk about her.
7) My baby may have died, but I am still a Mother, and I still have a purpose.
I may not have my living baby to care for and bring up, but I am still a Mother. I carried my baby, and I gave birth to her. I loved her and will forever love her. She is still my daughter.
I know my walk through Baby Loss is still in it's early stages and that I have lots more to learn but I hope that this post helps someone, whether you have been through baby loss yourself or whether you are supporting someone who has been. 🌞💖
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