Today I thought I would share my journey to pregnancy because, as you will find out over this Blogmas period, my pregnancy story is part of Summer's story, but also there is a much bigger picture here that even we don't understand or see fully yet, as we are yet to hold our living children in our arms and bring them up. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the purpose of me sharing these things is that hopefully someone else will be able to identify with me and my story and experience may be able to help others, and to also educate and help those who will end up supporting those around them going through Baby Loss too.
So, with all that in mind, I will say that my journey to pregnancy has been "difficult" in a sense that I do not have any of my babies alive and home with us. I am yet to see that result come into fruition. And I believe that it will. It just so happens that so far, for reasons I will never fully understand or accept as fair, my journey to pregnancy has not had a "successful" nor happy ending. However, my journey to "pregnancy" was actually physically easier that the result and outcome.
A bit of back ground about me... I am currently 29 and got pregnant with our first baby at 28. Our babies were both planned and wanted on our part and the getting pregnant itself was easier and much quicker than we anticipated.
The reason it was easier and quicker than anticipated was because, since 2016, I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. Because of this, I have been on medication and the first lot of medication I was on (for 5 years ish) was a drug called Methotrexate. Now, before they put me on this back when I was 23, they asked me if I wanted children and my response was no, at that point in my life - I did not. They told me that if I did, I would have to plan in advance and work with the Doctors and Rheumatologists because I would have to come off Metho (no, not Meth 😜) as it is not a safe drug for pregnancies. They said that we would have to give it time to get out of my system before starting to try to make sure there would be no risk at all to any baby, would need to see how my body was without meds and if it wasn't would need to put me on another drug to treat my RA that would be safe for pregnancies. Of course, at the time, I didn't have a problem with any of that but I was grateful they made me aware of what would need to happen if I changed my mind.
Well, when I met Rich and after we had been together a while, of course - things changed. Because I was already aware of the process, I think I actually opened up to Rich about it earlier in our relationship that I would have normally. But thankfully it didn't scare him off and we both knew we were going to have a family together. So he was very open to me speaking to my Rheumy and getting things in motion.
Because of the potential prolonged timeline that we were aware we could face, I came off my methotrexate in 2007. It turned out that my body was not okay with no medication and within a few months my RA was rampage and I ended up having to get in touch about finding a medication that would work for me and be safe for us to start trying for a baby.
I was put on a drug called Certolizumab Pegol (Cimzia), which is a biologic injection that I have to administer every other week. This very quickly started working and gave my my life back and was clear was working. So around November/December 2020, I came off my contraceptive pill and in January 2021 we started trying for a baby, expecting it could take even up to a year, as that was what I was prepared for from the worst case scenarios from discussions with my Rheumys and Doctors. Of course, they had told us it could happen straight away, but we didn't want to take any chances and mentally prepared for long term.
Well. We got pregnant literally straight away. This was with our first baby, whom I later named Winter. As you can imagine and expect, we were delighted. Over the moon. Unfortunately, our joy was short lived, and I lost Winter at 6 weeks. I have actually written a separate post dedicated to Winter and have scheduled it to be posted on the 11th Dec).
Following the loss of Winter, we decided we would try again, and again, to our shock and amazement, we got pregnant straight away. Within a week or so. This time, with Summer.
As I was still following my Doctor's advice from losing Winter and still taking pregnancy tests every few weeks (due to another reason - my didelphic uterus - which I will go into more detail in another post), we found out about our new pregnancy relatively quickly and again, due to my body and circumstance, I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Unit straight away to be scanned in order to confirm a pregnancy.
Well, there she was. A strong heart beat and clear as day on the screen. Our baby. I believe that after a loss, they are referred to as Rainbow babies. There she was, our little miracle.
Despite this pregnancy resulting in a tragedy, and loss, like our first, I still love my story. Though we do not have our Rainbow Baby yet in our arms, I still want to continue sharing my story. Not because it's morbid, sad, and not because I want attention. Far from it. I want to share my story to bring hope. To be open and to educate (as mentioned before). I want to share my story because my babies are still real. They are loved. They are treasured. And they are a part of me.
Although my babies are in Heaven, although my heart hurts, I am grateful that I have them. I am grateful for my pregnancy story and my journey, and I know it is not over yet. 🌞💖
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